So, you want to adopt a child to grow your family. That’s fantastic! Now what?
Perhaps this has been part of your long-term plan. Or maybe this came about from infertility challenges. Or perhaps it hit you like a brick wall because you never saw your family growing by adoption. Regardless of your “why,” if you’re considering adoption, you’ve come to the right place. Below, you’ll find six of the most important areas for consideration before you dive in head first.
Consider your spouse
How does your partner feel about adoption? Are you on the same page? If your spouse isn’t fully on board, you probably have some work to do before you move forward. It’s time to do a deep dive into what you both see for your family. If you didn’t have the family planning conversation before you got together, there’s no time like the present.
Statistically, men are slower to get behind adoption than women. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but I would strongly advise against moving forward until you both feel called to adopt a child. Adoption is a huge decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
This is a real person who deserves the best of the best, and two parents who feel absolutely certain. It’s not much different than having “the talk” about having babies or deciding to do IVF. If you aren’t both ready, then you need to pump the breaks. It will be worth it for the whole family in the long run.
Consider your fertility
Have you just undergone fertility treatments? Just experienced a failed IVF…or two? Yeah, that’s really hard. Take some time to heal your wounds. No child wants to be a “band-aid baby” to fix what was considered broken. That sounds a bit harsh, but really take some time to see where your heart is, and make sure your partner/spouse (if applicable) is on the same page.
The harsh reality is that, if you choose to adopt a child and it’s soon after failed fertility attempts, your grief make get the best of you at the most unexpected times. While that’s mostly out of your control and completely understandable, I recommend you take a little time to heal so you can fully experience and appreciate the depth of the adoption experience — the birth, the hospital, the breastfeeding (if the birth mother chooses to), the emotions on both sides, the relationship, etc.
As a personal side note, when I was in the hospital having skin-to-skin time with my brand new son, I was suddenly struck by sadness and grief. This was one of the biggest, most joyous days of my life and I was grieving the loss of my own pregnancy and childbirth experience. It snuck up on me, but was certainly a legitimate feeling. I was wise enough to pinpoint it very quickly and take authority over it. Remember, you’re allowed to feel some BIG, complex feelings, so let it run its course and then move forward, mama!
Consider your family
Do you already have children in the home? If so, have you discussed adopting a child with them? What would adding to your crew look like? Do you have school aged children and your days are wide open, allowing you to go to the gym, cook, lunch with friends, volunteer at church, work from home, etc.? Adopting an infant would change your day-to-day routine dramatically! Or perhaps you already have one in diapers, so what’s one more?
Maybe you work full time. Would bringing home a young child require you to seek out child care in order to go back to work? Would you be willing or able to quit your job and stay at home full time? Does your employer offer FMLA for adoptions? This topic will inevitably bleed into finances (see below) but now is a great time to analyze your family dynamic (age of current children, school situation, child care) and career goals, if any.
Consider your finances
This is a biggie, but know this: your income does not get to decide if you can adopt or not. Believe me, we did not have thousands upon thousands of dollars in savings ready to hand over. We prayed and trusted and then jumped in head first. However, it’s wise to consider what you have, what you’re able to do, and how much you’re willing to work to make the rest happen (all the more reason to be on board as much as your spouse — this can become a part-time job!).
Do you have money in savings? Or a nice network of family and friends to fundraise with? Do you have the patience and creativity to raise what you need? Do you even know where to start? Don’t fret, mama. There are lots of ways to raise money to adopt a child, and usually friends and family are very willing to help you get to your goal.
I created a list of fundraiser ideas, some of which we used, and by God’s grace, we raised all but about $1,000 to adopt our son. Watching people step up and help out financially to bring our child home was one of the most humbling experiences of our lives.
Does it feel scammy to ask for money? Sure, it’s awkward and uncomfortable, but here’s the deal: simply tell people about the adventure you’re embarking upon. Tell your story. If everyone you knew gave just $25-$50, you’d be closer than you could ever get on your own. And you know what? $25-$50 is a drop in the bucket for some people. More importantly, people want to be part of this child’s story. Others want to see you grow your family. People love to be part of a dream come true. Put your story out there, be vulnerable, and watch God take it from there.
Grab that printable below:
Consider your options
There are adoption agencies, consultants, facilitators, private adoptions and foster-to-adopt scenarios. Now’s the time to do a bit of research on all of the above and see what best fits your family. Perhaps an agency adoption is cost prohibitive. Then maybe being a foster parent is the best scenario for you, as there is almost no cost to adopt a child from foster care. Perhaps you have a connection to an adoption attorney and you’d prefer a private adoption, if possible. Perhaps you want your profile visible to numerous birth mothers in a variety of locations. If so, working with a consultant or facilitator may be best.
There are pros and cons and cost implications to each scenario. I’m confident that when you dig a bit deeper on each, you’ll find what works best for you.
As for me, I did my research (it’s one of my strengths) and found a few agencies and facilitators to be far too expensive. It didn’t seem feasible to raise that much money upfront before we became an active family, so I kept searching, and by God’s grace (yep, He stepped in again), we discovered a small pregnancy outreach, which ended up being the best option for us.
When it feels right, it feels right. Keep digging, researching and making those calls until you find one that’s worthy of a visit. Make sure that they are ethical and completely and utterly considerate of both the expectant and adoptive families. Make sure you trust who you partner with on this journey.
Not all entities do this, but I would also advise that they provide resources and a bit of hand-holding throughout the process. There’s nothing like feeling left in the dark when you meet a birth mother for the first time, or don’t have the full range of information on a child before you decide if you’re a match or not.
Consider your environment & abilities
Some people won’t appreciate or understand this, but where you live and who you do life with is important. It’s incredibly common to adopt a child who looks very different from your family. You and your spouse will likely be smitten with a child of any shape/color/size and not even bat an eyelash regarding ethnicity. However, your family may feel differently. You need to have a stern talk with mom and dad (or grandma and grandpa) if their views don’t match yours on ethnicity.
You also need to consider a white, black, Asian, Indian, bi-racial, etc. child as they get to be a little older. Outside of you, who might understand and teach their culture to them? Do you have close friends who look like them who can serve as a mentor? Who in your circle could relate to their particular needs (for example, black hair is uniquely different from caucasian hair — my friend Rachel over at White Sugar, Brown Sugar blogs about her four kids’ hair and skin regimens!).
Be mindful of what THEY will need as they get older and begin to realize that they don’t look like you. That doesn’t mean you won’t be enough – you will – but I think it wise to consider the diversity of your community and start thinking a few years down the road.
There are also children with special needs that deserve a loving home. Would you be willing or able to adopt a child with Spina Bifida, Cerebral Palsy, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Down Syndrome, or drug or alcohol related injuries? While you may not be faced with a special needs scenario, it’s worth considering your emotional and medical abilities — doctor visits, surgeries, health insurance coverage, having one of you home at all times, etc.
Here’s a great site to dig deeper on this topic, should you need to.
That’s a wrap…for now
While I know this list could get really granular, what you need right now is a high-level overview on what to consider at the very start of researching adoption. Don’t get overwhelmed, this is just the beginning!
Also, don’t forget to download my fundraiser ideas!
XOXO,
If you’re ready for the next step, read this post about choosing an adoption agency (or other entity) — it’ll be sure to help you differentiate between all of your options.
